Since August 2022, I’ve been in the shadows.

Fuelled by anxiety and a sense that ‘something isn’t right’, my desire to not return grew by the day.

Was it me?

Was it the Internet?

Certainly it wasn’t you.

I accepted that nagging feeling.

Later that month, I got married.

Happy times!

A ‘forever’ life.

I also quit my job, because I had hit a ceiling in terms of money and satisfaction.

Only to start a new (better?) one right a way.

My new life seemed much more satisfactory than the months that came before.

No obligation to post daily, no plateau at work (and a handsome payraise, which brought in more safety.)

But I’d already hit a full month of being away.

My biggest gap ever.

Felt strange.

And it felt stranger, with all the messages that poured in.

“You OK?”

“Haven’t seen your posts lately”

“Missed you bud”

“I hope you’re alive” (LOL)

I was very much alive.

But the more I was away, and the more I received messages, the more I felt I needed to stay away.

Truly profound feeling, I know.

As if your love and interest towards me and my art showed me the right direction:

To stay away from the Internet.

And then I started feeling like a fraud.

See, I broke a promise.

(OK, great. Let me confess and get it out of my chest.)

A month earlier, I organised the first Tragoe Tribe Retreat.

And many tribe members bought my album.

But I never sent it to them.

Initially, there was something missing, for the album to become as personalised as I truly envisioned it:

A link.

A link that is personal on each CD cover and directs you to a page with your name on it.

Where I would film a personal video for the receiver of the album, talking to them 1-on-1 and explaining how thankful I feel for their support.

Only 50+ videos was a lot of work.

And the wedding sucked all of my time.

And then quitting…

And the new job…

And moving to a new place…

And…

And…

It seemed there was always another priority that had to be completed first.

And the further away I was from my initial promise, the harder it got for me to deliver it.

But I didn’t want to just send the CD without the personal dedication.

Gift to you would be… incomplete.

So I got stuck in a loop.

I don’t know if that makes sense and you can relate or it’s just me.

I don’t know… maybe I am a fraud after all.

That’s all I could think of

(and still do? unsure)

But it feels good to confess.

(Thank you for listening.)

But then there was another, bigger thing that started forming inside me.

Loathing.

Utter disgust towards the Instagram algorithm gods.

That ‘made me’ do things.

I realised posting on Instagram wasn’t enjoyable anymore.

I’m an artist.

I’m in the game for telling stories and making music.

And perhaps sharing it with the world.

But I’m not alive to satisfy any algorithm.

No sir.

That’s not who I am.

First, I started posting daily during the pandemic as a way to express myself and connect with like-minded souls.

Which worked on both levels.

But you see…

The tech companies aren’t stupid.

They’ve designed their tech to be addictive.

To keep you logged on for as long as possible.

To keep you glued on the screen.

Away from what really matters.

So I got sucked in.

It slowly became a numbers game.

I was posting because I wanted to

‘maintain momentum’

‘get viral again’

‘get likes’

Make no mistake.

It’s not that I need strangers on the Internet to validate my art and existence.

I’m not a needy person.

I feel totally content with who I am and my value.

And I hadn’t connected my self value to the ‘Instagram Tragoe’ value.

No, that was not the case there.

I did all of the above simply because, in retrospect…

I got greedy.

Another confession.

To myself first.

Which inspired the monster in my 5-part ‘saga’.

Remember that masked monster in episodes 3 & 4?

That symbolised my own greed.

Greed for ‘more’.

Yes, my dear.

I fell into their trap.

I allowed them to feed me with

more dopamine

more followers

more likes

Which meant nothing, really.

Because these thousands of people that liked and commented and followed didn’t necessary know who I was.

They didn’t know I was a musician and storyteller.

They didn’t even think I was a human, as far as I’m concerned.

I was ‘a viral account’.

Excuse me for a second…

As I write this, I start feeling that I’m a weak coward.

“Boo hoo hoo I had many followers and likes and it nagged me boo hoo hoo”

I feel as if my complain is invalid and I shouldn’t complain in the first place.

But no.

*snaps back to reality*

It’s not invalid.

My mental health had deteriorated significantly.

The constant pursue for likes and followers wore me down.

And that’s real. And my feelings matter. They’re no joke.

Actually, now that I think about it.

FUCK THE ALGORITHM GODS.

I had to take a step back.

It was a good thing to do.

It was the right thing.

Focusing on something real, such as my lovely wife, and living life without having to document it every day, and strolling in forests simply enjoying what’s around me, and feeling connected with my true needs…

That’s what mattered.

And it still does.

My hatred for the algorithm’s game has only grown fiercer.

I don’t want to be ‘an influencer’.

I am a musician.

And I’m a storyteller.

An emotional being that needs to create.

Because if I don’t, I will explode.

When I don’t make art, I feel sick.

So every song, every story, every new idea cures me bit by bit.

And I want to die healthy AF.

Contradictory.

Yet so poetic.

And it brings me satisfaction to write.

That’s what true artists feel.

They don’t chase likes and followers.

That’s what robots want.

But you’re not a random follower, are you…?

You’re reading this page because I invited you here.

Which means you’re not ‘a follower’.

You’re not a number to me.

You’re someone.

Hello.

And you know what?

Because of all the people who are ‘not a number to me’…

Because of all the encouraging messages that kept coming in each week…

Because you haven’t forgotten me…

(Even yesterday, a year and 2 months after my last post, I got a ‘digital hug’ by a lovely Swede who said she missed me but she understands mental health comes first. *crying*)

Because you’re still sitting next to the empty seat where I’m supposed to be sitting…

(but I’m not)

Because I’ve allowed you to see a part of me that’s hidden for most people…

(I can’t undo it now, you can see me)

Because I can see your face and I recognise it…

Because deep inside me, I care for you and your personal story and how you feel…

Because of all the above and mainly because of the latter…

I want to return.

But not for everyone.

Not for likes and followers.

Not for streams and plays on Spotify.

Not for video views.

But for the music.

For the stories.

For the art.

For you.

And our connection.

And this is what I’m doing with this message.

It’s an act of returning.

And it feels darn good.

It feels like rebellion.

FUCK YOU ALGORITHMS.

I don’t need you.

I need art and music and.

And real human connection makes it all so much more enjoyable and meaningful.

OOOPH.

I feel lighter.

That was…

Writing this was quite a roller coaster.

I won’t edit it.

I won’t re-read it.

I’ll just keep it as raw as it is when I first put the words together.

Because you deserve the unfiltered side of me.

You deserve the real me.

No masks or makeup or wolf hoodies.

Just raw emotion and humanity.

Thank you for reading thus far.

It truly means a lot.

You’re reading this days later, but I feel I’m connected with you already.

And I wanna sob.

…

*breath*

…

Ok, I won’t sob.

Where was I?

Oh yeah.

FUCK THE ALGORITHM GODS.

I’ll do the real thing, for those who truly care.

And here’s what it will look like:

Below there’s a form where you can add your email.

And I will start sending you emails.

Stories.

Songs.

Thoughts.

And you can reply back and tell me what you think.

And at the end of each email, there will be a link.

And you’ll choose to click that link or not.

And it will be as simple as that.

Like a modern pen-pal thing.

I’ll also have a private Facebook group, where we all can connect with each other, aside from the emails.

But the emails will be the main thing I do.

This is where you’ll expect to find me regularly.

I might even delete Instagram, I dunno.

But this is my ultimate goal with this:

For a while…

(1… 2 years…? Don’t know)

I want to write and release music and videos and stories just for you.

Not on Spotify.

Not on Instagram.

Not on YouTube (at least not public.)

They will only be available to you and a few other select ones.

My goal is to create without the public eye adding the pressure of ‘a release’ and ‘promotion’.

For a while, I want to create art for art’s sake.

To get ideas out of my system.

To ‘cure myself’, as I said earlier.

And you can be there, sitting next to me as I do so.

Interacting with it…

Or just observing.

Up to you.

But I want you to know one thing:

I want you to be there.

Because you…

And I…

And a few other cool people…

We are
the Tragoe Tribe.

Welcome.

Will you join me?